These are the type of computer updates I fear most. Ones that break my ability to see my parent’s computer screen. That update/fear came true today. A day which will go down in history as the day the internet stood still and my blood pressure reached a level only experienced by fighter pilots in mid aerial duel.

iTeleport, the software that I use to see my parents computer screen from my home, had a major update. One that required installing the update and reconfiguring the application.

So, I wrote up incredibly detailed instructions. With screen grabs of each step. And exactly what to do broken down into 25 bite-sized chunks. I sent an email with the instructions to my father and told him to call me and we could go through it together. My dad turns 82 next week, so you know where this is headed. One of us into an early grave, and one of us into an age-appropriate one.

My dad sends me a text (go dad!). It reads “iteleport.dmg is not in our download file”.

This …

was …

step …

ONE!!!!!!!  Click on the link I sent in the email and download the installer.

So I am once again attempting to lead Helen Keller, aka “Dad”, through a minefield via a phone call.

Like you would treat a toddler you are taking to the grocery store, I set ground rules before we started: “Do not ask for candy or cereal. You are not going to get either. If you are good, maybe we’ll get something at checkout.”.

Wait, those are the ones for the toddler at the grocery store. The ones for my dad were “Do not click ANYTHING unless I tell you. Do not guess what the next step is. Just be quiet and do as I say!”

Those rules were promptly ignored. We were getting nowhere.

So, I had an epiphany. I told my dad to put down the house phone and to grab his cell phone. I was going to Facetime with him. That way he could show me what he is seeing on the screen. He of course said, “I don’t know how to Facetime”. I said, “Do you know how to answer a phone? Then you know how to Facetime.” I called, he answered and we were both looking at our ugly mugs. The apple certainly doesn’t fall far from the tree in this gene cesspool.

Next trick was to get him to click the “Flip” button on the phone to switch the camera to the one on the opposite side of the iPhone screen. He actually followed instructions and success!

I had a beautiful shot of his crotch.

He immediately turns the iPhone around with the screen away from him so I could see his face again.

At this point I am wondering why the emergency alcohol has not dropped from the ceiling due to the lack of cabin pressure.

I got him to turn the phone around. He then proceeded to switch from portrait to landscape about twenty times asking, “Which way do I hold this?” before I yelled, “Just pick one!” Finally, he locked in a view. He then proceeded to show me his keyboard. Thanks dad. That doesn’t help. He eventually got it so I could see his screen and I discovered the problem. My parents have internet speed that I am sure is called Verizon Smoke Signal or Comcast Pigeon, because it is molasses in Antarctica slow. The file was STILL downloading.

Once the file completed downloading, we actually got the software installed and working.

Mind you not without my dad “helping” by doing camera moves neither Scorsese nor Spielberg would attempt. Where I went from panoramic views of the room he was in to viewing a pixel in infinite detail.

Have I mentioned previously that my parents are the reason I drink?